Thermal Noise
Wednesday, June 9, 1993
I'm still stunned from yesterday. A little sore too. I walked over twenty miles on city streets.
When I got home, there was a message on my machine from Amy. This Amy stopped speaking to me months ago. She has done this before. She said, "Arthur, it's Amy. I need to get in touch with Lisa. Information has her old number (note 23) but no other listing for her. I would appreciate it if you call me back with it."
Amy is a graduate student at Harvard University and has very advanced research skills. Lisa's number is in the phone book.
I told Amy's machine, "Sorry I didn't call right back. I've been out of town. Here's Lisa's number."
I didn't mention flimsy pretenses.
I called Louise and got her machine.
"Hi Louise. This is Arthur. I hope you had a good time in Memphis. I just got back from New York, so I won't be going down there this weekend. Talk to you later."
Thursday, June 10, 1993
I spoke with Louise this morning. We made a date for Tuesday. She invited me to her apartment. As she gave me her address, Louise asked if she heard me entering her into my computer. I said, "Yes. Actually you were already there. I think there is a record of a meeting at the Bromfield Pen Shop that never happened."
Louise said, "I remember. That was a horrible day."
At the Museum of Fine Arts, I read the article by Thomas Hoving in Art & Auction about the "weary Hercules" controversy that he's stirring up. In the article he describes events he wasn't present at. Everybody there was sworn to secrecy. Hoving's source seriously compromised his integrity by providing any information about those events at all. Apparently, this didn't stimulate the editors to check the facts.
Lisa called. She said that not too much is going on. She saw Paul "for a minute". I asked if Amy 1had reached her. She hadn't. I told Lisa that Amy had left me a message requesting her phone number.
Lisa said, "I got a postcard from Jane. That was pretty weird. She must have been leafing through her address book or something. She's never written me before. It sounds like she's having a very romantic time in Indonesia. She says she'll visit Boston in August."
I wondered if this was an indirect communication aimed at me. It was my first news of Jane in a year. The only other (other than Lisa) channel closed when Anne and Mark broke up.(note 24)
It was good to talk with Lisa. I'd like to see her even though she says she's unfit company these days.
I went to the Blue Diner to say "Hi" to Louise. I asked her how her trip went. With a satisfied smile, she said, "Very well."
I said, "Good" with as much enthusiasm as I could. I sipped my iced tea while I waited for her to get off work. Anne had asked me to return a book to the library for her while she was in New York. The library is in Louise's neighborhood so I thought we could walk together.
We did. After we picked up some refreshments, we sat down in the grass on Boston Commons and talked. Louise told me about her trip. She obviously had enjoyed herself with the man she went to see. She had some amusing anecdotes about her train ride to Memphis (which was routed through Chicago). She asked about my trip to New York. I tried to describe my time traveling. One of the oddest things about this is that it extends beyond my mind into the external world. I described the convergence of Mike, Alan and Cindy. I mentioned Amy's calling me under the pretense of looking for Lisa, followed immediately by communication through Lisa from Jane. All examples of emotionally important people from different parts of my past swarming me in the real world. Unpleasantly.
Louise said, "You make your friends all sound like assholes."
"They're not so bad. It just looks that way from my perspective. In retrospect. I form opinions of people and when they exhibit new behavior, I modify my view. Sometimes, this leads me to interpret past events in a completely different way. I discover that things didn't mean what I thought they meant at the time."
To illustrate this, I told Louise about what happened with Jane that led me to reassess her. "When Jane decided she'd had enough of me, five years ago, she sat me down and told me, 'Arthur, I've been thinking about my future and can't see you in it.' I thought it was improper to make that decision without first talking to me about overcoming our difficulties. I didn't know that there were problems. But people have a right to do things the way that they choose. She continued to live with me and sleep in my bed for several months. This wasn't easy for me but I wasn't going to throw her out on the street. After she moved to New York, a year later, Jane would cry on my shoulder and ask my advice about the relationships she had with men who didn't treat her as well as I did. I was her best friend and helped her as much as I could. She would say things like, 'I was telling a friend of mine about you. When I told her that you were fun to go shoe shopping with, she said that I was a fool to let a man like that slip through my fingers.' That remark was made at a time when I was asking her to give just a little consideration to my feelings. Ultimately, she descended to cruelty, I ended our friendship in self-defense."
Louise said, "I just have to say that it is a perfect June day. The breeze feels so good, lying here in the sun. What first drew you to Jane?"
"I think it was her kindness, acuity and grace. Ironic isn't it?"
"You're mentioning shoes reminds me that I need to buy some new sandals. Care to come along?" "Sure."
Louise said, "Sounds like you still need to get over Jane."
I have. I was surprised to be wondering if I'd ever get over Jenni.
We left the Commons and crossed Boylston Street. I followed Louise into Arche Shoes. She tried on half a dozen styles before selecting a pair that was classic with a very subtle goofiness. Louise said, "I know this sounds silly but, I want open toes in case I get a pedicure."
"That seems perfectly reasonable to me."
She bought the shoes and we left the store.
Louise asked, "Do you think it's extravagant that I spent so much for a pair of shoes?"
"Not at all. I consider myself something of a fashion slut."
As we walked uptown, Louise pointed to Louis Boston and asked me if I'd ever gone in there. It is a beautiful building that housed Bergdorf Goodmans before it was Louis. It was originally a museum of natural history. It's within blocks of the original site of the Boston Museum of Fine Arts, the main library and the Institute of Contemporary Art.
I said, "Yes. Back when I had money (before I made jewelry) I used to shop there. All my nice clothes came from there."
Louise said, "Like that silk or linen outfit you were wearing when I ran into you outside of South Station?"
"Yes. It was linen."
"I thought that you were wearing a good combination of interesting colors."
I said, "Busted, by the fashion police."
Friday, June 11, 1993
Russell called.
He asked, "How are things with Bethany? Have you seen her?"
"Umm...I'm trying to remember if I've seen her since I last spoke with you. I think not."
"I was just wondering how it's going. Do you think anything's going to happen between you and her?"
"I don't think Bethany's ready for me."
Russell said, "Nobody is, Arthur. I was at least hoping it could be an amusing sexual escapade for your summer."
"Well, I haven't eliminated that possibility yet. I expect to rule that out in a week or so."
Russell laughed and said, "Arthur, you're pathetic."
I think he meant it. I laughed.
Laura called. I just received a post card from her in Nepal. It said, "My pictures are shit. I'm going to the mountains for four or five weeks."
I was surprised to hear from her now. The way things have been lately, I should have expected it.(note 25)
Laura told me that she just arrived and was experiencing jet lag. She was going to New York, Philadelphia, Connecticut and Boston but didn't know the sequence or schedule. Laura said that India had a baby and we talked about the change that would make in her life. Laura said that they are all fine and India is already back at her veterinary practice.
I heard all about her travels. Of course I was interested in the green moonstones she purchased. They sound like something I can use. Laura taught me to make jewelry (in Saint Croix) and has continued to be very helpful with my work. I'm more interested in her work. We'll get together soon and see what we can salvage from her most recent Asian photographs.
Sunday, June 13, 1993
Bethany told me to call her today to see about getting together tonight. I called her. She said she was feeling tired, She'd been out with a friend last night and hadn't gone home. This has provoked the guy she lives with. "I should go home and deal with that situation. Is it all right if I call you later?"
"Call anytime."
" Thanks."
"I guess I'll talk to you sometime. Good-bye"
I should call Russell and tell him that it didn't take a week.
I left to go to Paul's house for brunch. On the street, a man said, "You speak English."
I answered, "Yes." "Finally, someone speaks English. You wouldn't believe how long I've been here trying to find somebody who speaks English. Around here are Puerto Ricans and Chinese people and people who look Chinese but aren't. How come they all pretend to not speak English? Is it because I'm Black? Do I look that bad? Do I look like shit?"
I said, "Around here there are a lot of homeless people, prostitutes and winos. People are defensive when they're accosted on the street."
"I'm not accosting anybody. I'm gay, I'm Black and I've been standing around here since 2:30 this morning. My friends left me here and my bag and my wallet and all my money are in their car. I went to South Station but they wouldn't let me on the bus."
I asked, "Why not?"
"Because I'm four dollars short. I just need four dollars more to be able to make it back to Worcester." He took a five dollar bill out of his pocket." I've been walking around here since 2:30 and I don't have enough money..."
I interrupted with, "Sounds like you should call a friend."
I walked away.
Tuesday, June 15, 1993
I went to the MFA to continue reshooting incised gems for the bronze age catalogue. This requires balancing the accurate representation of how the object actually looks against manipulating the lighting to make the carved icon more intelligible. This is challenging because my technical skills are limited. We're getting good results and I can't wait to see the finished catalogue. I didn't have time to complete it, so I said that I'd be back tomorrow and took the exposed film to be processed.
After I dropped off the film at Colortek, I went around the corner to the diner and said, "Hi" to Louise.
Louise and I chatted about different things. She said, "Want to see a picture of my friend, Parker?" She showed me a snapshot of a man holding a puppy. She said, "You can tell by his face that he's a friendly person, can't you?"
"Yes you can. I've never understood how people could say, that beauty is only skin deep."
Louise commented on how beautiful the day was that we were on the Commons. I told her I'd had a good time too.
"Have you had a chance to wear your new sandals?"
Louise made a face and said, "Only once. I wore them on Friday night (on that date with that guy I told you about)." She made another face. "The strap broke. I took them back to the store and told them to double reinforce the seam. I told them to do it to the other shoe also."
I said, "For what you paid, you should be able to wear them twice."
Louise told me that she had an unproductive weekend. After that afternoon on the Commons, she spent her time doing needlework.
She said, "I've got to get another job. I felt like a kept woman."
I said, "Or you could learn to enjoy idleness more."
She didn't think so.
We discussed tomorrow night's date and agreed to go "Dutch."(note 26)
Lisa called. She said she's been playing phone tag with Amy. (Show's what I know.) (note 27) We discussed the frustration and stress that Lisa experiences because she hasn't enough money or energy to work at several jobs to pay rent while trying to get her hat business to support her. I think she would do well to find a partner to provide money and do some of the work. Because her goals are not properly proportioned to her resources, Lisa is emotionally drained and this makes her problems almost unbearable.
Thursday, June 17, 1993
I had a good time with Louise last night. Her little studio apartment is comfortable and pretty. We talked about butterflies and her relationship with her mother. It's classic. There is a generation gap. Louise's mother lives in Tennessee in a regional cultural matrix. Louise lives in Boston and, as a member of her generation, is more global in her outlook.
She played a c.d. of Pergolisi's Stabat Mater for me. It's one of her favorite recordings. I could understand why. It's beautiful.
She drew my life story out of me. I covered the first thirty years (from ten years before my birth till I was twenty). It seemed like a string of strange jokes as I told it. I feel some trepidation about completing the tale. For the rest of the story I was an adult and completely responsible for what happened. It won't make me look good to Louise. But it will make her laugh.
Louise said that because she is a cancer survivor, she feels like a bad matrimonial investment. She could get sick and need care and die. She has discussed this with Parker. I got the feeling that Louise is disturbed by his apparent unconcern.
I said, "We're all going to die. None of us know when. I could walk out of here and get hit by a falling piano. Sure your health is a factor, but you have to weigh that against the benefits. Even only ten years with you would be worth more than a long lifetime with most people. If that involves caring for you, that's a cost to consider, but high cost doesn't make something a bad investment. After all, the value of an investment is in the relationship between cost and benefit."
She has so much to offer.
We went to dinner. I took her home and we continued to talk. As I walked home, I thought that I should spend more time with her. She has a good effect on me.
Friday, June 18, 1993
Yesterday I finished shooting the bronze age gems at the museum. After that I listened to some compact discs that Alan had lent me. One was The Tango Project, a modern recording of old tango scores. The other two were David Byrne projects. One of them, dance RAJA dance, is a compilation of music from Indian films. Like some of the Jamaican music I listen to, it displays a funny third world post-modernism. The use of a sampled bluegrass banjo mixed with a twisted La Cucaracha is hard to resist.
I thought about the way post modern pastiche selects cultural components that can function as icons outside of their original context. A post modern culture will only have the vocabulary to communicate messages that are intrinsically rootless and general.(note 28) I've read that there have been several historic revolutions in reading. The first was the invention of silent reading. After the printing press made books cheap and plentiful, extensive reading replaced intensive reading (intensive reading is the repeated careful reading of the same book). I feel that this change has its costs. As an extensive reader I have a very wide and very superficial knowledge of the world. This seems to parallel the post modern trend toward a wider yet shallower culture.(note 29)
Lisa came for a visit. She mentioned that Amy had not returned her calls. Perhaps, Amy's pretense was as flimsy as I originally thought. We walked around downtown and she told me about some of her new creative directions. Lisa is interested in making paper incorporating found materials and constructing objects (maybe hats) from it. She's talented and I'm curious to see what she comes up with. I lent her Cloth and the Human Experience, which is about the role of fabric in different cultures.
I had to pick up my MFA film at Colortek this morning so I dropped in on Louise at the diner. She told me about the dates she's gone on with that lawyer who's been pestering her. She said that he has no interest in anything she has to say.
I said, "No wonder you don't find him interesting."
Louise has the impression that he prepares things to talk about before he sees her. They don't sound intriguing. He's told her that he's madly in love with her. She says that he doesn't even know her. Besides, she's already involved with Parker. And not interested. Now he's threatening to come to the diner with a friend for lunch. She wishes he wouldn't.
I said, "He's obviously playing out of his league. How come you haven't told him off?"
"I can't be that frank with him. Anyway, I'm such a wuss. How did I get myself into this situation?"
I said, "That I can answer. You said that you agreed to go out with him because he seemed so nervous and you felt kind of sorry for him. I think that your instinctive kindness is an admirable trait. The world surely can use more kindness. But because it is so precious, you should focus it where it does the most good."
I could tell from her expression that she understood what I meant. As I left, she said, "I'll talk to you soon."
Sunday, June 20, 1993 Two nights ago, a few friends stopped by. Paul, Toto, Russell's sister Susan and I watched Roman Scandals with Eddie Cantor. We were all too hyper to be entertained so we ended up creating a scenario for Godzilla vs. Broadway which followed the form of Old Comedy and had something to do with selling insurance in Connecticut. We stayed up all night giggling about the difficulty we had transforming the little Japanese boy (who is a vital part of every Godzilla tale) into Nestor to keep the Odyssey parallel working. It's been years since I spent much time with Susan. I've missed her. She's extremely funny. Around dawn, she said she was hungry. The diner is the only place open at that hour and even though it's a little spooky, we went there. On our way, Susan was telling me about her boyfriend, Malcolm. He's a drummer in a successful band.
Susan said, "It would be nice if you found somebody. It would be easier if you'd date outside of your species."
I disagreed, "Actually, I think it would be easier if human females were willing to date outside theirs."
Yesterday, I bought some music in Harvard Square. In the subway station hundreds of people were milling around on the platform. The public address system spewed a stream of indecipherable noise. From time to time two or three men in uniforms ran by shouting contradictory instructions. A man was under the train and it would be a few hours before the trains were expected to be running again. We were told to leave the station and take the shuttle busses at ground level. There were none. There were several fire engines and ambulances and dozens of official personnel. I thought it would be easier to find the shuttle at Central Square so I walked there. As I waited for the bus I saw two or three empty ones go by. I went into the station to find out what was happening and saw that the trains were in fact running.
I got home and met Russell. He was not feeling well. I was bleary from staying up all night with his sister. When Toto appeared, we watched Separate Tables and admired the script and acting performances. As he left (to go home and lie down), Russell mentioned that he still wants to go to the Cape. He has a friend, Alice, he wants me to meet. He says she is a militant feminist. Russell suggested that we include her and his friend, Christine, on our boat ride.
After Russell left, Toto and I decided to drop in on the closing party at Equus. The entrance had a sign that said, "$5.00 donation". I took one look at that and said, "I'm outta here." It's impossible to have any interaction with Peter without paying for it and I'd be more inclined to pay for his absence. I walked around the corner to my place thinking about Peter's attempt to include some of my paintings in a show once. After some preliminary discussion he handed me a contract to sign.(note 30) I asked Peter about the blank space in the artist's fees section and he said that I had to pay him a couple hundred dollars to pay for the promotion and the cost of the opening party. Since the gallery was taking fifty percent of the sales price, I thought that they should pay the administrative costs of running their operation.
I said, "If my work is so bad that I have to pay to show it, I probably shouldn't present it to the public."
He angrily tore up the contract and said, "I don't like these fees either but we have to charge them to exist. Maybe some day we won't have to."
I said, "When that day comes, I'll be happy to let you show some of my stuff."
Peter replied, "When we reach that point I don't know if we'll still be interested in you."
I guess that's settled.
This morning I called Bethany. She has a necklace of mine and I have some glass bottles collected for her. I thought it prudent to make the exchange soon. She answered the phone.
"Oh Hi Arthur. So when are we going to New York to buy some shoes?"
I'm not sure why I replied, "Just tell me what weekend you want to do it so I can set up a place to stay. How have you been doing?"
"Things are calming down. Creepy Boy has agreed to see a therapist and promised me not to harm himself."
I told her I have a bunch of bottles for her.
She said, "I won't be able to do anything with them for months. I've been working all the time. I really need the money. I have a lot of bills. I've been so busy. I have no social life. All my friends are furious at me for not calling."
I said, I'm not mad. You have a right to spend your time as you wish. I just thought you were totally disinterested in me."
Bethany said, "Stop it! Don't talk like that. I'm sick of dealing with people's dependence on me. What I really need now is solitude."
I warned her not to avoid wholesome attachments just because unhealthy ones are such a drag. She suggested we get together soon, maybe Monday or Tuesday.
I said, "So you owe me two calls."
"What do you mean?"
"One call on Monday about meeting this week and one call telling me when we're going to New York."
"Oh."
I called Louise. She said, "Hi. I'm on long distance and I have to go to work."
I told her, "I just called to see if you'd have time to get together next week. I'll talk to you later. Bye."
Paul came over, He's still having trouble with his new bicycle. So far, he's carried it farther than he's ridden it. Paul was hungry and wanted to go to the diner. We saw Louise there. Who's Sorry Now? was on the jukebox and she sang along with the end of it gesturing like a Las Vegas star. As she passed, she said, "In reference to this morning's query, I'm going to be really busy next week. Maybe the week after."
We ate our dinner and as we left, I told Louise I'd call later this week to see how her schedule was shaping up. Beaming, she said, "Parker is coming in this week."
"When?" "He's coming on Wednesday or Thursday."
I said, "In that case, I'll call you the week after."
She said, "I'll be working Friday and I'm starting Monday nights. Maybe I'll see you."
I said, "Monday nights I'm always busy."
Louise asked, "What do you do?"
"That's the night I visit my friends Howard and Amy and we watch Mystery Science Theater."
She said, "I thought you said, 'mistress' and got all excited for a moment."
"I'm glad somebody is on my side. Thank you."
Monday, June 21,1993 I had to rush home from the museum to accept the delivery of the photographs for my show. There was a message on my machine. "Arthur, this is Paul. It's about one thirty and I'm in Harvard Square. I want to come over and pick up my bike and fix it. I'll try you later."
I prepared the "artist's statement for my show at the Middle East."
Paul called and said he'd be right over. He was.
While Paul was working on his bike and I was putting away my laundry, Bethany called. She wanted to know the plan for tonight. I told her I was going to Howard and Amy's at seven thirty unless he called and told me his project was running late. At the moment I was awaiting a delivery. "So why don't you come over and help me wait?"
She asked a few questions about mode of transit and so forth. She had to do a couple things and would call me in half an hour before leaving to come here.
I said, "Talk to you soon."
Bethany said, "OK Creepy Boy"(note 31)
I said, "Don't call me that."
She said, "OK Creepy Boy."
My pictures arrived and I busied myself unpacking and inspecting them. The phone rang. I expected Bethany. The caller hung up. Paul got his bike working and left. I hand washed my delicates. Paul returned to fix his bike. Bethany arrived. She wanted to hear different music. No matter what I put on, she wanted something different. She selected Sonic Youth and seemed satisfied. Everything seemed a little stilted. I was struck by her total disinterest in me. My photographs were spread all over my loft, yet to her, they merited only a perfunctory glance. Maybe they are uninteresting but I would think one would have to look at them to conclude that. Bethany certainly didn't want to hear my music.
We took the bus out to South Boston and, as we were a few minutes early, went for a walk down by the water. There, we encountered a pile of broken shells and she made a remark about seagulls breaking them open on rocks. I said, "That reminds me of the death of Aeschylus."
Bethany replied, "Oh. I don't do Greeks."
I told her, "Aeschylus was a great dramatist. He was bald. One day, when he was at the beach, A seagull mistook him for a rock and dropped a turtle on his head. It killed him."
I asked her if she was interested in the Romans. She's not. Nor is she interested in the middle ages.
She said, "I like Americana."
I said, "Like colonial times?"
"No. Really I like humanity and people are always the same. I couldn't get into history."
I said, "Too bad. History is full of wonderful examples of humanity. So to you, the fifties are ancient times."
Bethany replied, "No, I'm only interested in the present."
We went to Howard and Amy's. Bethany liked Amy but seemed to want to polarize everything into men versus women (now that Amy wasn't outnumbered). She and Amy tended to discuss the people they knew in common, while Howard and I talked with each other about ideas and lending each other music recordings. I'm not used to divisions of this type. I'm certainly not used to hearing Bethany's new age doctrine being spouted at my friends' house.(note 32) One interesting result of the atmosphere of sexual hostility Bethany promoted was that Amy facetiously made a rather nasty remark about my being sexually predatory. It was odd because even though Amy knows me well enough to be sure that I'm not that way, her joke was the kind of thing that would make a woman who, like Bethany, doesn't know me very well, uneasy. I think that she realized it immediately and apologized to me.
Bethany said, "Let's all pick on Arthur."
I said, "OK, but stick to my actual shortcomings."
I walked her home. Bethany continued to be sarcastic and I started to understand why she seemed so comfortable the evening Mark and Shannon were so weird. As we walked through the industrial neighborhood she lives in, Bethany said, "I'm all right here. You don't need to accompany me."
I said, "You may want to overlook my sense of propriety."
She said, "So I should just ignore you?"
As I left her at her friend's loft I said, "Call me when you've figured out which weekend is good for New York."
She said, "Call me if you think of anything exciting to do."
I'd better get that necklace back soon.
Wednesday, June 23, 1993
It's Jenni's birthday.
Last night Vincent and Sara were supposed to stop by. Sara canceled and Vincent came alone. That's too bad because Sara is the one I find interesting. Maybe she dislikes me. The last three or four times we've made plans, I've ended up with Vincent. That is a misfortune because he seems to feel threatened by me and compelled to be hostile and contrary. I might enjoy it if there were some substance to our disagreements but the only real factor seems to be his own feelings of worthlessness. Life is unpleasant enough without having guests who pick on me. Since Sara keeps sticking me with him, I won't invite her anymore.
Wendy, my downstairs neighbor, (Toto's roommate who used to work at the diner) has a jewelry trade show coming up. I saw some of her brochures and offered to redo them on my computer. That was a big mistake. I've been spending all my time making drawings of her earrings. It's taking much longer than I expected but she'll be happy so I guess it's worth it.
I needed to take a break so I called Bethany to arrange to retrieve my necklace. As usual she was uninformative and unconcerned. I put the bottles I'd been saving for her in a bag and went directly to her place. When I got there she made a little conversation about the weather and I told her I'd been working on those drawings all day. Bethany asked me what software I was using.
"Coreldraw."
She said, "That's pretty good."(note 33)
I asked her what music we were listening to. "Gorecki."
"The third?"
"Yes. This is the first movement. It's not very interesting."(note 34)
I said, "I've only heard it once. I was disappointed. I was hoping for something grim and found it merely moody."
Bethany asked, "Why were you hoping for something grim?"
I said, "Sometimes music starts sounding too perky. Even the Cramps seem cute. Then I can only listen to Lydia Lunch."
She said, "Too bad."
I said, "No, I enjoy it."
The important thing is that I left with my necklace.
